Surf media watchers stunned as involuntarily celibate website The Inertia reaches uncharted territory in a sweeping "beach wagon" review!

Sep 10, 2023

By Derek Rielly

2 weeks ago

"He can get anyone up! Even me!"

A wealth of clips, lately, featuring absolute beginner surfers being gifted the sort of barrels others may never get even after a lifetime in the ocean.

In one of the loveliest rags to riches stories you could imagine Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer, who was raised by his grandparents and who was a bodyboarder until 1996, now earns his keep as the ultimate VAL surf coach at the WSL-owned Surf Ranch.

Raimana will surf behind the beginner, steadying them with his hands, issuing instructions, support, and as the wave moves onto the shallow part of the bank at Surf Ranch will compress their hips into the correct lowered stance before pin-dropping off the wave allowing the learner to enjoy a vision that used to be reserved for a wildly select few.

A post shared by Raimana Van Bastolaer (@raimanaworld)

A post shared by Raimana Van Bastolaer (@raimanaworld)

A who's who of surfing dived into his comments, including Shane Dorian ("Wow that's fricken cool Mana!") and DJ Fisher ("Epic") to praise the Tahitian, a man who has been described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford.

Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Side effects include deeply satisfied gal, chafing on shaft and a reputation as a pussy assassin.

Crawford, whose career peaked in 1987 when she appeared alongside the other OG supermods Christy Turlington, Linda Evangalista and Naomi Campbell on British Vogue, described Raimana as "the Big Blue Pill. He can get anyone up! Even me!

A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan, supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, flocked to Crawford's comment pane, thrilling to the ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer.

The stoke, as they say, is universal, as one commenter wrote.

"What an experience you and K12 have created for first time surfers, Raimana! You have created the ultimate experience for every surfer which is getting barreled and coming out of the tube. That is a priceless treasure you have created at the ranch. Every time I see these videos, I am inspired and cannot wait to get to the ranch someday! Raimana you are one of the best examples of O’hana and spreading the love of surfing!! God Bless!!"

Raimana has a long history of guiding and helping other surfers.

In an uncharacteristically generous profile for The Surfer's Journal Chas Smith wrote,

"To the uninitiated, the professional surf life is two very disparate things at once; free and structured. It is the vast oceanic playground sans the traditional "stick and ball" rules-based ethos. It is also a business where talents are groomed according to a specific, painstakingly followed, code. This happens, of course, every winter on Oahu's North Shore. Young charges are sent into homes owned and operated by the surf brands. There they learn where to paddle out, when to paddle out, what boardshorts to wear with what t-shirt, who to talk to and when, etc. Strict guidance is surfing's manna. The North Shore, however grand a social experiment as it is, is not the only school. Young charges get taught at contests, photoshoots, and when they travel to the middle of the South Pacific. It is, genuinely, a wonder that eighteen year old boys can even get to a place as remote as Teahupo’o to begin with. The nearest airport is an hour plus away, there are no hotels, real restaurants or infrastructure and the language, however buttery, can be a real barrier to entry. Its remoteness necessitates a Raimana. He feeds, ferries and looks after the future of the sport. He also, quietly, provides the best education they will ever receive, as it relates to surfing one of the heaviest waves on the planet and living well. And this combination makes him invaluable.

"I watch him while sipping on a lukewarm Hinano but watching Raimana's spark I remember that without ambition there would be no refrigeration. Or colonization. And I hoist myself up to go speak with him, which is harder than it sounds. Raimana Van Bastolear is in demand. There is Quiksilver, and all the Quiksilver surfers, in one of his houses causing trouble and dreaming up schemes. There is a crew of seventy shooting a Visa commercial in one of his other houses. It stars Kolohe Andino, apparently, ordering pizza on a cellphone in a barrel. There is the Point Break production team, somewhere. There was Giselle Bundchen and a Chanel crew who just left. And there is the Billabong Pro coming in just five days and with it badly color blocked trucker hats and Red Bull.

"Raimana runs it all and that is why this pile of French rot at the end of a two-lane road is called Raimana World."